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Funny Limerick Collection 18

Posted on October 29, 2012 at 5:20 AM Comments comments (1)

There was young man named Pete

Who was a bit indiscrete.

He pulled on his dong

Till it grew very long

And actually dragged in the street

 

An old maiden who barely did kissing,

Soon discovered what she had been missing.

When laid down on the sod,

She cried out, "Oh, God!

All these years I just used it for pissing!"

 

A fair haired young damsel named Grace

Thought it very foolish to place

Her hand on your cock

When it turned hard as rock

For fear it would explode in her face.

 

There was a young man from Oswego

Who fell in love with a dago

He dreamt that his venus

Was jerking his penis,

And woke up all covered in sago.

 

There was a young woman of Croft

Who played with herself in a loft.

Having reasoned that candles

Could never cause scandals,

Besides which they did not go soft.

 

A squeamish young named fellow named Brand

Thought caressing his penis was grand.

But he viewed with distaste

The gelatinous paste

That it left in the palm of his hand.

 

There was a young girl of Tonga

Used to diddle herself with a conga.

When asked how it feels

To be pleasured by eels,

She said, "just like a man, only longer."

 

There was a young man from Nantucket,

Took a pig in a thicket to fuck it.

Said the pig, "Oh, I'm queer,

Get away from my rear,

Come around to the front and I'll suck it."

 

Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong

To a long pronged patron named Wong,

"They say my vagina's

The nicest in China;

Don't ruin it by donging it wrong."

Funny Limerick Collection 17

Posted on September 29, 2012 at 5:19 AM Comments comments (0)

A shiftless young fellow named Kent

Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.

But as she grew older,

The landlord grew colder,

And now they live out in a tent.

 

There was a young lady from Kent,

When her husband's pecker it bent,

She said with a sigh,

"Oh, why must it die?

Let's fill it with Portland Cement."

 

There was an old girl of Kilkenny

Whose usual charge was a penny.

For half of that sum

You could finger her bum;

A source of amusement to many.

 

Said the whore whom they called Geraldine,

"When I think of the pricks that I've seen,

And all of the nuts

And the arseholes and butts

And bastards like you in between."

 

There was an old harlot of Wick

Who was sucking a coal miner's prick

She said, "I don't mind

The coal dust and grime,

But the smell of your balls makes me sick."

 

There was a young lady of Clewer

Who was riding a bike when it threw her.

A man saw her there

With her legs in the air

And seized the occasion to screw her.

 

There was a young fellow named Hyde

Who took a girl out for a ride.

He mucked up her fuck-hole

And fucked up her muck-hole

And charged her two dollars beside.

 

There was a young man from Malacca

Who always slept on his left knacker.

One saturday night,

He slept on his right,

And his knacker went off like a cracker.

 

A certain young fellow named Dick

Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.

He taught them to fool

With his rigid old tool

Till the cream shot out, white and thick.

 

There was a young man named Lanny

The size of whose prick was uncanny.

His wife, the poor dear,

Took it in her ear

And it came out the hole in her fanny.

Funny Limerick Collection 16

Posted on August 29, 2012 at 5:18 AM Comments comments (0)

A milkmaid there was, with a stutter

Who was lonely and wanted a flutter.

She had nowhere to turn,

So she diddled a churn

And managed to come with the butter.

 

There was a young fellow named Perkin

Who always was jerkin his gerkin.

His wife said, "Now Perkin,

Stop jerking your gerkin,

You're shirking your firking, you bastard."

 

A lawyer who was a newlywed groom

Took his bride to their honeymoon room

But they talked the whole night

As to who had the right

To do what, with which, and to whom.

 

There was a young man named M'Gurk

Who dozed off one night after work.

He had a wet dream,

But awoke with a scream

Just in time to give it a jerk.

 

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves

Likes to jack off the young men she loves.

She will use her bare fist

If the fellows insist

But she really prefers to wear gloves.

 

There once was a lady Annheiuser

Who claimed that no man could surprise her

But Pabst took a chance

found a Schlitz in his pants

and now, she is sadder.. Budweiser...

 

There once was a gangster named Brown,

The wiliest bastard in town.

He was caught by the G-men

Shooting his semen

Where the cops would all slip and fall down.

 

There was a young man from St. Paul

Whose cock was exceedingly small.

Now it might do for a keyhole

Or a little girl's peehole.

But for a big girl like me, not at all.

 

There was a young lady of Bicester

Who was a lot far nicer than her sister.

The sister would giggle

And wiggle and jiggle,

But this one would come when you kissed her.

 

There was a young fellow named Charteris,

Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.

She said, "I don't mind,

And up higher you'll find

The place where my fucker and farter is.

Funny Limerick Collection 15

Posted on July 29, 2012 at 5:17 AM Comments comments (0)

There were three ladies from Huxom

And whenever we see em, we fucks 'em,

And when that game grows stale,

We sit on the rail

And we pull out our cocks and they sucks 'em.

 

There was a young lady of lee

Who scrambled up into a tree.

When she got there,

Her asshole was bare,

And so was her C-U-N-T.

 

In the shade of an old apple tree,

Where between her fat legs, I could see

A little brown spot

With the hair in a knot

And it certainly looked good to me

 

There was a fat lady of China

Who had an enormous vagina

And when she was dead

They painted it red

And used it for docking a liner.

 

There was an old man of Newport

Whose prick was remarkably short.

When he got into bed,

The old woman said,

"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"

 

There was a young fellow from Florida

Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.

When they got into bed,

He cried, "God strike me dead,

This ain't a cunt, it's a corridor!"

 

A fellow whose surname was Hunt

Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt.

This versatile spout

Could be turned inside out

Like a glove and be used as a cunt.

 

There was an old man of Duluth

Whose cock was shot off in his youth.

He fucked with his nose,

And his fingers and toes,

And he came through a hole in his tooth.

 

There was a young girl, very sweet,

Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.

When she sat on their lap,

She unbuttoned their flap

And always had plenty to eat.

 

There was a young lady of Mott

Who inserted a fly up her twat

And pretended the buzz

Was not what it was,

But something she knew it was not.

Funny Limerick Collection 14

Posted on June 29, 2012 at 5:16 AM Comments comments (0)

There was a young man named Mcphee

Who was stung in the balls by a bee.

He made oodles of money

By oozing pure honey

Everytime he attempted to pee.

 

There was a young man had the art

Of making a capital tart

With a handful of shit

Some snot and a spit

And he'd flavour the whole with a fart.

 

There was a young pair from Uganda

Who were having a fuck on a veranda.

The drip from their fucks

Fed forty two ducks,

Three geese, and a fucking big gander.

 

A hungry old trollop from Yemen

Did a pretty good business with He-men.

But she gave up all fucking

In favour of sucking

For the protein contained in the semen.

 

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said, "If you want to know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle."

 

There was a young fellow named Simon

Who tried to discover a hymen.

But he found every girl

Had relinguished her pearl

In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

 

A near-sighted chap named Coulter

Led a glamorous gal to the altar.

Quite lovely he thought her

Till some strong soap and hot water

Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.

 

There was a young girl of Spitzbergen

Where people all thought her a virgin

Till they found her in bed

With her quim very red

And the head of a kid just emerging.

 

There was an old spinster of Tyre

Who bellowed, "MY CUNT IS ON FIRE!"

So a fireman was found,

Brought his engine around,

And extinguished her burning desire.

 

There was an old man of Corfu

Who fed upon cunt-juice and spew.

When he couldn't get that,

He ate what he shat

And a bloody good shit he shat too.

Funny Limerick Collection 13

Posted on May 29, 2012 at 5:15 AM Comments comments (0)

There was a young lady of Totten

Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.

She cared not for steaks,

Or the pastries and cakes,

But lived upon penis au gratin.

 

A young trapeze artist named Bract,

Is faced by a very sad fact.

Imagine his pain,

When again and again,

He catches his wife in the act.

 

There was a girl from the five and ten

Who diddled herself with a fountain pen.

The top came off,

The ink went wild,

And now she's the mother of a coloured child."

 

An efficient young fellow named Dave

Said, "Think of the time that I save

By avoiding vacations,

And sexy relations,

And taking a crap while I shave."

 

There was a young man from Rangoon

Whose farts could be heard to the moon.

When you'd least expect 'em,

They'd burst from his rectum

With the force of a raging typhoon.

 

A gardener named Kenneth McDeare

Likes plants more than women, we fear.

"He's hardly perennial."

Say folks who know Kenny well.

"He only comes up once a year"

 

A gay prison chaplain named Locke

Had a passion for hard convict cock.

For his ass-holey ways

In his alcatraz days,

He was nicknamed the piece of the rock.

 

A chap they all call Aloysius,

Of his wife and a guy grew suspysius.

And quicker than you'd think,

He found them by the sink,

But they were only doing the dysius.

 

Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired;

And asked to explain why she was hired.

"The executive's dong

Is only four inches long.

I thought shorthand was all he required"

 

Said an ardent young bridegroom named Trask,

"I will grant any wish that you ask,"

Said the bride, "Kiss me, dearie,

Until I grow weary,"

But he died of old age at the task.

Funny Limerick Collection 12

Posted on April 29, 2012 at 5:14 AM Comments comments (0)

A nutty old doctor named Green

Thought he'd try out a brand new vaccine,

Gave himself an injection

That cure the infection,

And even grew hair on his *thing*.

 

Said a pretty young lady from Croft,

Whilst amusing herself in the loft,

"Salami or wurst

Is what I choose first,

But with baloney I know I've been boffed"

 

In a conference, lonely Fred posted,

His plea for a friendly young co-ed.

The response was frenetic,

From gals energetic,

And he died when his modem exploded.

 

A Cajun gourmet named LaSalle,

Is the chef at dat place on Canal.

He put lotta spice

On your red beans an' rice,

And make lightnin' shoot outta your bowel!

 

My back aches, my pussy is sore,

I simply can't fuck any more,

I'm covered with sweat,

And you haven't come yet,

And my God, it's a quarter to four!

 

Said a swinging young girl named Lyth

Whose virtue was largely a myth,

"Try as hard as I can,

I can't find a man

That it's fun to be virtuous with."

 

The youth who frequent picture palaces

Have no use for psychoanalysis,

And although Dr Freud

Is distinctly annoyed,

They cling to their long-standing fallacies.

 

There once was a queen of Bulgaria

Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,

Till a prince from Peru

Who came up for a screw

Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

 

There once was a fiesty young terrier

Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.

He'd yip and he'd yap,

Then leap up and snap;

And the fairer the derriere the merrier.

 

There was a young girl of Angina

Who stretched catgut across her vagina.

From the love-making frock,

(with the proper sized cock)

Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.

Funny Limerick Collection 11

Posted on March 29, 2012 at 5:13 AM Comments comments (0)

There was a young girl of Darjeeling

Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.

There was never a sound

For miles around,

Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

 

There was a young lady named Clair

Who possessed a magnificent pair.

Or at least so I thought,

Till I saw one get caught

On a thorn, and began losing air.

 

There was once a young man named MacBride

Who fell into a privy and died.

MacBride had a brother

Who fell in another,

And now they're interred side by side.

 

He could vary, with proper persuasion,

His fart to suit any occasion.

He could fart like a flute

Like a lark, like a lute,

This highly fartistic Caucasian.

 

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,

And fizzle a fine serenata.

He could play on his anus The Coriolanus:

Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!

 

There was a young man named Ringer,

Who was seducing a beautiful singer.

He said with a grin,

"I've now rammed it in!"

She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

 

There is a young lass of Valencia,

For whom sex is a form of dementia.

For the first hour she's quiet,

Then she builds to a riot,

With a noise that grows quickly intensia.

 

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,

He could double-stop fart The Toccata,

He'd boom from his ass

Bach's B-Minor Mass,

And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

 

Spurred on by a very high wager

With an envious Lieutenant Major,

He proceeded to fart

The complete oboe part

Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.

 

A disgusting young man named McGill

Made his neighbors exceedingly ill

Because of his habits

Involving white rabbits

And a bird with a flexible bill.

Funny Limerick Collection 10

Posted on February 29, 2012 at 5:12 AM Comments comments (0)

Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft,

In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,

Up my ass, up my quim Knees, armpits, lip rim,

With your prick...but *please*...nothing soft.

 

It went off in capital style,

And he farted it through with a smile;

Then, feeling quite jolly,

He tried the finale

Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

 

There was a young girl named Prentice

Who had an affair with her dentist.

He used anathesia

Which made things quite easier

And diddled her non compos mentis.

 

A man loved a gal named Bundy

Who came from the Bay of Fundy.

But to his despair,

She gave him the air

Sic transit gloria mundi.

 

There was a young maid from Madras,

With a most remarkable ass.

Not pump, round and pink,

As you undoubtably think;

But, grey, with long ears, and ate grass!

 

A lady on climbing Mount Shasta

Complained as the mountain grew vaster,

That it wasn't the climb

Nor the dirt nor the grime

But the ice on her ass that harassed her.

 

There was a young man from St. Paul's

Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's

Till he grew such a passion

For feminine fashion

That he knitted a snood for his balls.

 

There once was a girl from New Haven

Whose pubic hair was not shaven

But missing because

She slept without drawers

Within range of a nest building raven.

 

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux

Fell in love with a dashing young beau.

To entice his regard

She would squat in his yard

And appealingly piss in the snow.

 

A corpulent lady named Kroll

Had an idea exceedingly droll:

She went to a ball

Dressed in nothing at all

And backed in as a Parker House roll.

Funny Limerick Collection 9

Posted on January 29, 2012 at 5:11 AM Comments comments (0)

A sweet young strip-dancer named Jane

Wore five inches of thin cellophane.

When asked why she wore it,

She said, "I abhor it,

But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."

 

There was a young fellow from Sparta,

A really magnificent farter,

On the strength of one bean

He'd fart God Save The Queen,

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

 

Two elephants named Harry and Fay

Could not kiss with their trunks in the way.

So they boarded a plane,

They're now kissing in Maine,

Because their trunks got sent to L.A.

 

There once was a man from Sutter,

Who used to jerk off in the gutter,

Till the tropical sun,

Played hell on his gun,

And turned all his cream into butter.

 

There once was a fellow named Clyde,

Who fell in an outhouse and died.

Along came his brother

Who fell in another,

And now they're interred side by side.

 

There once was old Chinese drunk,

Who set sail away on his junk,

While dreaming of Venus,

He played with his penis,

Till he floated away in the spunk.

 

From a niche in the crypt at Saint Giles

Came a sound which resounded for miles.

"My goodness gracious,"

Said Father Ignatius.

"I forgot that the Bishop has piles."

 

There once was a girl of Siam

Who said to her lover, young Kiam

"If you take me, of course,

You must do it by force

But, thank God, you're stronger than I am."

 

While in Athens a tourist named Joan

Told her guide, with a trace of a groan,

"Though a fuck is just fine

when I'm lying supine

It's a pain in the ass when I'm prone!"

 

There was a young vampire called Mabel

Whose periods were very unstable.

One night by the moon,

She pulled out a spoon

And drank herself under the table.


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