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Are You Crazy?

Posted on December 20, 2012 at 1:25 PM Comments comments (2)

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

 

"What! Are you crazy!"

 

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

 

"No! Someone might see us..."

 

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

 

"No! I said no!"

 

"Baby... don't be like that."

 

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

What Did You Expect?

Posted on November 16, 2012 at 1:20 PM Comments comments (0)

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

 

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

 

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

 

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

Visiting A Sick Friend

Posted on October 1, 2012 at 2:10 PM Comments comments (2)

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

 

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

 

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

 

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

Having Difficulty Surviving Financially

Posted on July 25, 2012 at 1:50 PM Comments comments (0)

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

 

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

 

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

 

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

Having Some Drinks

Posted on June 24, 2012 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (0)

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument   about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

A Woman Without Any Arms Or Legs

Posted on June 22, 2012 at 11:50 AM Comments comments (0)

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been f*ucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're f*ucked real good."

Black Girl Say While Having Sex

Posted on June 18, 2012 at 7:35 AM Comments comments (3)

Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?

A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

How They Have Sex

Posted on May 14, 2012 at 5:30 PM Comments comments (0)

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

 

ACTORS do it on cue.

 

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

 

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

 

ANSI does it in the standard way

 

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

 

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

 

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

 

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

 

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

 

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

 

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

 

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

 

BAILIFFS always come to order.

 

BAKERS knead it daily.

 

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

 

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

 

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

 

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

 

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

 

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

 

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

 

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

 

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

 

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

 

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

 

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

 

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

 

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

 

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

 

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

 

BUTCHERS have better meat.

 

C'Bers do it on the air.

 

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

 

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

 

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

 

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

 

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

 

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

 

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

 

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

 

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

 

COACHES whistle while they work.

 

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

 

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

 

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

 

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

 

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

 

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

 

COPS have bigger guns.

 

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

 

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

 

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

 

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

 

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

 

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

 

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

 

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

 

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

 

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

 

DIETICIANS eat better.

 

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

 

DIVERS do it deeper.

 

DOCTORS do it with patience.

 

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

 

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

 

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

 

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

 

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

 

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

 

FARMERS spread it around.

 

FIREMEN are always in heat.

 

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

 

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

 

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

 

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

 

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

 

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

 

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

 

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

 

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

 

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

 

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

 

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

 

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

 

HANDYMEN like good screws.

 

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

 

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

 

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

 

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

 

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

 

INVENTORS find a way.

 

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

 

JEWELERS mount real gems.

 

JOGGERS do it on the run.

 

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

 

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

 

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

 

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

 

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

 

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

 

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

 

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

 

MANAGERS supervise others.

 

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

 

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

 

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

 

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

 

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

 

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

 

MODELS do it in any position.

 

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

 

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

 

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

 

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

 

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

 

NURSES call the shots.

 

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

 

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

 

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

 

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

 

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

 

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

 

PILOTS keep it up longer.

 

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

 

POLICEMEN like big busts.

 

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

 

POSTMEN come slower.

 

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

 

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

 

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

 

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

 

RACERS like to come in first.

 

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

 

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

 

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

 

RECYCLERS use it again.

 

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

 

REPORTERS do it daily.

 

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

 

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

 

ROOFERS do it on top.

 

RUNNERS get into more pants.

 

SAILORS like to be blown.

 

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

 

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

 

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

 

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

 

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

 

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

 

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

 

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

 

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

 

STUDENTS use their heads.

 

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

 

TAILORS make it fit.

 

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

 

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

 

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

 

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

 

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

 

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

 

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

 

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

 

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

 

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

 

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

 

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

 

WELDERS have hotter rods.

 

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

 

WRITERS have novel ways.

 

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Speed Limit

Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:30 AM Comments comments (0)

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Having An Orgasm

Posted on April 25, 2012 at 1:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Q. What does a woman's a*sshole do when she is having an orgasm?

A. He is usually home with the kids!


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